nervous nicole being neurotic

neurotic nicole being nervous? i posted a similar entry on my other blog, but seeing as this was prague related, i thought i ought to just go ahead and put it up here too.

i've been nervous about going abroad. like i keep having these visions of myself meeting all these horrible ends abroad and what would happen to my family afterwards. they would be so sad, and if there is any afterlife, i would have to watch it and just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. i'm superstitious and also jewish, so i'll just say kenna hora right now (it translates as 'may the evil eye stay away'). i'll probably say it a bunch when i'm talking about things like this.

i've always had thoughts like this. i'll be driving up my driveway and i'll picture my car sliding down and crashing. or my dad will be following my car in his own and i'll have images of crashing in front of him and him having to watch powerlessly as, well, something awful happens. i shouldn't even really talk about the time i thought my brother was dead. KENNA HORA!

i know why i have these visions. it's because of my upbringing. i've had a morbid upbringing. my mom always has nightmares like this too and always has taught me fear and pessimism. i sound like i'm complaining, but really i'm not. i know that it's because she loves me. and if this is the way that she is most crazy, then fine.

there is this poem by larkin that goes "they fuck you up, your mum and dad. they may not mean to, but they do. they fill you with the faults they had and add some extra just for you." it goes on, of course. it really is a good little poem. i butchered it by taking out the line breaks stuff, but i only know the sound of it, not the look. you ought to look it up anyway. but i'm on a tangent. so, yeah, i think that parents can't help fucking you up. i mean how could they not? they shape so much of you. it couldn't all be consistently positive. so there will be negative influence as well as positive influence. it is totally unavoidable. so i guess this is just a short paragraph to say how i don't mind that my parents fucked me up by making me a morbid fearful nicole. i mean, i mind it, but i'm not mad at them for it.

this being said, i'm morbid and fearful. i've had urges to write little notes to my family like "if i don't see you again... yada yada yada," but that's too too creepy and also too movie-like and i try to avoid movie-like situations because they never work out for me. i tell myself that i'm just apprehensive about this huge experience i'm about to have. i'll just throw in an extra kenna hora just to be safe.

but i'm still afraid. i don't know much about the country. i don't know the language. i don't know what safety behaviors to use, or what streets to stay away from, or who i'll be able to trust. we don't even have an apartment! all i've got is a friend who i know is going to be a swell roommate, and this is a lot, but he's not going to be there all the time.

the apartment thing bothers me more than just not knowing where i'm going to live. on the one hand, there's no way we'll know if a place meets our needs until we see the places and the neighborhoods and know where we'll need to be and blah blah blah. but also, i've finally realized, i think, why my mom is such an insistent planner. it's not so everything will work out perfectly, because, to be honest, my mom's need to plan things and get things done often means that she doesn't get the best deals or end up in the best situations. what it means, though, is that she has a tangible future to look to, and this way the future isn't so scary.

when i thought we had an apartment, i pictured myself in the apartment. i felt safe. it didn't matter whether i was comfortable or not, because i had plans. rhys would be there soon, and i could lay low until then. or whatever. you know?

but now that we're back to what seems like square one, with no apartment or real plans, when i imagine my first days in prague, i imagine wandering around the streets by myself. or being robbed in a hostel. or just a big black sort of scary vague impression. yes yes, i know i'm overreacting. these things are just vague unsettling impressions that seems a lot more extreme when i've written them down. but they're there.

basically, planning good things makes it seem like bad things can't happen. but having no plans opens up the possibility for something really good or really really bad to happen. in short, i want an apartment already.

also, i'm thinking that i want to start capitalizing some of my entries. would our readership be opposed? or do you think that this is the best way to distinguish between the two of us? should we get our own login names? or should we just indicate who is writing at the beginning of each entry? or do you think you'll just be able to figure it out because rhys and i are so different? i sort of don't want to get different login names just for symbolic reasons. rhys and i are in this blog together. and we get our book deal, we'll want to make sure they know we're in it together even though rhys is much funnier than i am and i am much better at thinking of pointless allusions to literature, film, tv, and videogames. comments are welcome. or you can just tell one of us in person, or over the phone or email, or whatever your preferred medium.

i think i'll go to sleep now and try to have good dreams. after i finally got to sleep last night, i dreamt that my room cleaned itself. i'm not joking.