things

i've been feeling down. the other night i had a dream that i was in prison. i wasn't unhappy, but i was in prison. i feel totally disconnected with my environment and everyone around me. i feel disconnected from my friends because the live in the dorm and i live in an apartment. i feel disconnected from rhys because him and i are having such different experiences here right now. i feel totally disconnected from my future because i'm supposed to be planning it, but i don't know how. i have such limited phone and internet access. i don't understand how to use my phone. i don't know how long i can talk on it. i don't know how much it will cost. all my instructions are in czech. and, obviously, i feel disconnected from my home. i'm not at home.

all this being said, i don't understand how i could've very well put myself in the world without having this experience... these feelings of alienation and frustration. i've separated most of my experiences here into five categories.

things that are totally good:
-my classes
-the beauty of prague
-finally getting abroad for more than just a few weeks

things that are good-bad (they feel good, but have bad consequences):
-fried cheese
-candy bars
-pivo (that's the czech word for beer)

things that are bad-good (that is, they seem really bad, but will have good consequences):
-feeling alienated (i will learn from this)
-not knowing czech
-not knowing my way around
-not having internet (hopefully i will learn to be more resourceful)
-being forced to figure things out

things that are bad-bad:
-not having internet (it is finally dawning on me that i may not be able to find a job for next year because of this problem. i've already missed out on a scholarship)
-not understanding important things like my phone
-financial issues
-not knowing when people can come visit (i don't know when i'll be out of town for interviews hopefully)
-no free water with meals (i've been so dehydrated)

and things i don't know yet:
-not having internet (well, i might find a job)

i've been tired. very tired. i'm thinking that maybe i should've lived at the dorms. i think i'd feel better if i was with those girls all the time, but they've been forming stronger bonds at the dorm and meeting new friends while i feel just constantly out of it. rhys stays at home all day. i feel bad about this. i feel sort of guilty. i know he's been sick. but i feel like i should be a program director or something. but i also think he ought to take the initiative to get out there and do stuff himself too. i know we both know this. i'm just frustrated with my whole situation right now.

then again, i'm really happy that i'm living in an apartment. it is a lot more comfortable, not just for me and rhys, but also for potential visitors. it is in a very nice location. it forces me to be alone more, which is probably good. i have way more privacy than i would at the dorms. and way more space. but it's a lot more expensive too.

i know whine whine whine. i'm in prague! and i really do love it here. my lit professor gave us a big lecture today about prague and being in prague (it was our first class). i learned a lot of interesting facts and things in this class.

he said that there are four stages to adapting to a new country. first, there is the enchantment and the nice surprise. you look around and you see beauty; you don't need to understand the story, you just soak up the atmosphere. soon, though, you start feeling lost. i think i'm at this stage right now. then you get over the crisis and you no longer feel like a foreigner. it is almost like an elation. then you balance out into a state of normalcy. boy am i ready for that! right now i'm just mostly stressed out about how on earth i'll be able to find a job for when i return! what will i do next year?! i have a headache.

i have a lot more to say, but i'm stressed out right now. i think i need a nap.