Look, I know everyone just wants to hear about Romania now, but I am still in Prague and I have something to say!

There’s no denying it: people come to Prague from all over the world. Some come for the cheap beer. Some, for the trendy CCCP hoodies. Others, to investigate their Czech heritage without messing with their backward distant half-relatives in the countryside. Still others, for Charles University’s world-renowned English department. Some, like me, don’t have a clue why they came. Most people, however, come to Prague for one reason, and one reason only: to worship this little wax doll.



This is The Infant Jesus of Prague, one of the most recognized idols in Prague. Though this wax doll was born in the 1500s, Princess Polixenie Lobkowitz brought it to Prague in 1628. Here it was venerated by the Carmelites, a sect of Catholics uniquely concerned with the words of Matthew 18:3: “Unless you become like one of these little children you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The doll got credit for all sorts of crazy miracles, bringing thousands to Prague, anxious to stoop before this effigy of a grandly decorated baby Jesus.

Zdenek took me, Rachel and Nicole to the Church of the Infant Jesus of Prague on a tour that also included the John Lennon wall and a church that is now an apartment complex. We were most struck by the museum upstairs, which was nothing but dozens of ornate mini-robes - speckled with gold and jewels, encased in glass - for the Infant Jesus statue to wear on different occasions. A television in the wall plays a looped video of pious nuns changing the Infant Jesus doll’s attire (protecting the holy infant’s modesty with discrete jump cuts) to prepare for more full days of granting completely unreasonable blessings. Well, a wax doll’s gotta do what a wax doll’s gotta do.

In the center hollow of the spiral stairwell is a wooden adult half-naked Jesus nailed to a crucifix in agony -- tossing a cross to all the adult Jesus worshippers who pass through -- but mainly it´s all about the serene, unbloody, formally attired babe at The Church of the Infant Jesus at Prague. Presumably, baby Jesus is divine through and through, without (unlike his adult counterpart) the stain of a hotly contested last temptation, though he probably had original sin to contend with.

Someone could make a good horror film about this doll getting fed up with all the constant blessing, coming to life, and poking out the eyes of all its devotees with those two extended fingers, while slamming them in the back of the head with that spiked golden orb. It would be a logical evolution. The ability to magically grant wishes as flawlessly as that doll does can only come from the Evil One himself, IMHO. God’s more about mysterious ways.

The fact that devout Catholics worship a statute of an angelic little boy is a bit disturbing — even more disturbing than them worshipping a dead bloody adult poked through with nails, I think. Certainly the infant Jesus is a more pleasant image. He’s happy, dressed all fancy, has his hand raised in a perpetual offer of blessing, and, you know, he’s not being tortured to death. In these “dark times” (overheard at a restaurant), it’s refreshing to see an image of Jesus get so popular without resorting to gratuitous gore. The absurd thing about this statue, though, which I think discredits the Infant Jesus of Prague Church entirely, and Catholicism on the whole as well, is that Prague’s baby Jesus wears a cross around his neck! That’s right, Baby Jesus wears the symbol of a religion that wasn’t yet a twinkle in the world’s eye, and was to be the bed of his own death three decades later!

The Infant Jesus Prayer Books, available for free in every credited language in the back of the Church, provide more insight into the mindset of the doll worshippers. Technically, you can pray to infant Jesus however you want, but modern language confuses His highness, and if you want to be fully understood, these prayers are your road to more accurate blessings and magic gift-giving. Unfortunately, you can only do these prayers in the Church of the Holy Infant Jesus, or with a Holy Infant Jesus candle, or a miniature likeness of the original statue, available in souvenir shops all over Prague (though only the kind with a removable cloth suit will do, not the kind where the suit is painted on the ceramic).

Here is a prayer you are supposed to say on DAY SEVEN of your visit to the Church: “On Your breast, O Infant Jesus, shines a Cross. It is the standard of our redemption. I also, O Divine Savior, have my cross, that, although light, very often weights me down. Help me to bear it and may the carrying of it be fruitful. You well know how weak and worthless I am. Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be to the Father. By Your Divine Infancy.”

The Carmelites want to have it both ways – a Jesus before he was the blood-spattered messiah he grew up to be, yet still as wise, holy and tortured. Fatefully, adult Jesus declined to be king, yet here is baby Jesus dressed in the finest Royal attire. Indeed, how could anyone have ever questioned Jesus´s messiah-hood with an infant wardrobe like that? This suggests either confusion or wishful thinking on the Carmelites´s part. Unless, that is, they are not worshipping the actual infant Jesus who existed for a temporary time before he became pre-pubescence Jesus, but rather are worshipping the crucifix-wearing doll itself.

On DAY FIVE of your visit to the Church, this is how you pray: “I gaze upon You, O Most Sweet Redeemer, dressed in a mantle of purple. It is Your royal attire. How it speaks to me of blood! That Blood which You have shed solely on my account. Grant, O Infant Jesus that I may respond to Your great sacrifice and not refuse, when You offer me some difficulty, to suffer with You and for You.”

What great sacrifice did the Infant Jesus make? Did he offer his holy golden spiked orb to a covetous infant in Bethlehem? No, his sacrifice involved bloodshed, suggesting nothing other than his famous crucifixion, of course! How could infant Jesus have been crucified when he was later to grow up and be crucified as an adult? Was it a miracle? Not that I know of, though I admittedly haven’t read all the available literature. Most likely, though, the Prague Catholics are retroactively granting baby jesus all the qualities admired of his adult counterpart, including his death. Why not make a statue of serene, elegant infant Jesus nailed to the cross? That’s what those sick, child-worshipping monks really want!

Worse than the absurd contradiction of the messiah babe, in my eyes, is the extremity of the worship he receives. Monks venture from this Church all over the world to spread the good word, not about Christianity or Jesus per se, but about this miracle-granting statue. And following those prayer guides they hand out is a humiliating experience, as you really have to cut yourself down to ingratiate yourself with this little devil statue.

For instance, this is the FIRST DAY prayer: “Sweet Infant Jesus, here at Your feet is a soul that, conscious of its nothingness, turns to You, who are all. By Your Divine Infancy, O! Jesus, grant me the grace that I now ask (express it) if it is according to Your will and for my true good. Do not look upon my unworthiness, but rather on my faith and show me Your infinite mercy.” And don’t forget the “weak and worthless” self-loathing on Day Seven. Can’t you love yourself and love the infant holiness?

These Carmelites have a serious inferiority complex, debasing themselves, grown adults whimpering and pleading to this little doll. This doll should be whimpering to them! Arguably, though, infants will always be superior to adults, if purity and lack of sins is your measuring stick.

For those of you lucky enough to be in Prague, or to own a likeness of the Infant Jesus of Prague statue (ahem, Rachel), here are some more prayers to declare your utter worthlessness and desperation to the retroactively holy one himself. For you cynical, ironical types, the prayer for students is the best...

PRAYER REVEALED BY OUR LADY to the Venerable Fr. Cyrill O.C. D.:

“O Infant Jesus, I have recourse to You and ask You through the intercession of Your Holy Mother to help me in my need (you can mention it here), for I firmly believe that Your Divinity can help me. I love You with all my heart and with all the strength of my soul. I am truly sorry for all my sins, and bet You, O good Jesus, to give me the strength to conquer them. I shall never offend You and I am ready to suffer rather than to cause You pain. From now on I want to serve You with complete faithfulness and for love of You, O Divine Infant, I will love my neighbor as well as myself. Omnipotent Infant, Lord Jesus, again I implore You, help me in this need of mine (mention it). Grant me the grace of possessing You eternally, with Mary and Joseph and of adoring You with the holy angles in Your heavenly court. Amen.”

PRAYER FOR THE HEALING OF A SICK PERSON: “O Holy Infant Jesus, lord of life and death, I bow before You, unworthy and miserable sinner that I am, to implore You to cure (name the person on behalf of whom You are asking this blessing) who is so dear to my heart. He (she) is in great suffering, wracked with pain, and can find no relief except in You, in whom he (she) puts all his (her) hope. Relieve him (her) in his (her) agony, o heavenly Doctor, free him (her) from his (her) suffering and give him (her) perfect health, if that be Your Divine will and for the good of his (her) soul. Amen.”

PRAYER FOR A STUDENT: "O Infant Jesus, eternal Wisdom made flesh, who shed Your blessings so generously on all, and most especially on schoolchildren and students who trust in You, please look kindly on me as I implore You to guide and assist me in my studies. You, o God made Man, Lord of all learning, source of all understanding and memory, come and help me in my weakness. Enlighten my mind, give me a ready ability to acquire knowledge and truth and the capacity to remember all I learn. Be my light, strength and comfort in moments of special difficulty. By the grace of Your divine Heart may I do all my school tasks to the best of my ability and gain the utmost profit from them, so that I may get good marks and, most important of all, be moved up next year. To merit such favours, for my part, I promise to perform faithfully all my duties as a Christian and to love You more and more. O Sweet Infant Jesus, keep me always under Your protecting mantle and be my guide, not only on the path of learning, but above all on the path to eternal salvation. So be it!”

These praying students are selling their souls to a doll! Maybe school is especially tough in the Czech Republic, I wouldnt know, but in the states, most people get moved on to the next grade without even trying, much less making insane promises to a wax doll. Study and hold tight onto your souls, children!

I wonder how much of a trial and error process goes into devising prayers like these. Did the monks test their effectiveness and then re-word them for better results? If you, my readers, come up with versions of these prayers that reap greater riches than the original versions, please email them to Prague Blague, and I will alert the monks. Also, if after reading this blog entry you wish to become A Missionary of the Infant Jesus, please go to http://www.santuario-gesubambino.org/missioni for more information.